A journey of Disconnection to Connection

It is always difficult to share personal stories but in this blog today I share a perspective on my experiences that I had in my early 20s of being disconnected from myself and the world around me. Not all our stories are there to be shared but I feel that there comes a time when the time is right and it feels safe to share those experiences. As my work continues to develop in creating cultures of care and connection this story as become an even more important one. If you recognise some of the symptoms within this text it is important to seek support from a professional if you require it.

Welcome. If you have ever visited here before you will see that my tagline on the website is:-

“Harnessing wellbeing and an ability to thrive through a culture of care & connection”

To me it feels an incredible important statement, especially in todays modern world. In our fast paced world that often feels chaotic in nature, it is difficult to notice, to care and connect. Over the years I have noticed how much attention goes to the big news stories that are often fuelled for months and even years, yet there are somethings that are not mentioned that are truly concerning that go unnoticed or given a moments thought. There is an obsession for the past and the future but little for the present moments that are so important, so fragile but are full of life. The preoccupation with what we see and judge with little regard for what is happening beneath the surface feels concerning to me. It is almost as if the world is too scared to turn inwards and look at itself and embrace the issues that we should be really be concerned about and the direct disregard for all that is human. Why are we so connected by technology but so disconnected humanly and I see the gap widening every day.

An Untold Story

Growing a portfolio of work over the past 7 years has not been easy, its been a journey of the unknown. It hasn’t always made sense to me, but there is one thing that has been constant, a knowing that it has a purpose and that I had to keep going. Over recent months, given that I have had more time to focus on projects, I can see the work coming together and I can see that it has a place in the context of our wider world and all that is happening now. This work was born out of my own disconnection. Yesterday I sat down and I wrote down what disconnection looked like for me, there were 21 factors on that list that show me how I was disconnected. According to the Oxford dictionary disconnection means that we are separated from someone or something and not fitting together or understanding each other. Disconnection for me at the time was not understanding myself and what I really needed. I didn’t really know what was happening or understood how I was to move out of the rut I found myself in.

I am not sure what let to the disconnection as such, but an accumulation of a series of stresses in my late 20’s, it was such a horrible time and perhaps the one time of my life that I would like to go back and re-do. If you are in your late 20s and are going through a rough time, if you know you are quite spiritually minded I would highly recommend listening to Caggie Dunlops Saturn Returns. I wish it had been available back then, I think I would have navigated that time a little differently. I was terribly confused at that time, I felt I should have been having the time of my life, all my friends were getting married and were having or planning children. I couldn’t work out why it wasn’t like that for me, I always felt that there was so much more that I should be doing, but I didn’t know what I needed to do to get there, and I felt stuck and unable to move. My days were filled with panic attacks and it was exhausting.

What Disconnection Looked Like for Me

There were a number of distinct feelings and thoughts that I had during that time that existed with the panic attacks, exhaustion and the confusion

• Often felt lonely in groups and struggled with a sense of belonging
• Working in a role that wasn’t meeting my multifaceted skill set and often led me into very vulnerable situations
• Nothing seemed to fall into place no matter how hard I tried to find a solution
• I felt afraid of the future and what was going to happen to me
• I comfort ate and put on weight
• I couldn’t contemplate any kind of relationship
• I felt unhappy, discord and agitated all the time
• I didn’t speak up for myself
• Couldn’t maintain a positive mindset
• Spent a lot of time in doors, reading or watching films
• Wished and hoped for something more but was unsure what action to take
• Struggled with low self worth, confidence and esteem
• Tried to hide all I was feeling
• I was on auto pilot all the time, drifting through the motions
• Had a repeated feeling of wanting to walk away and not come back

It was a terrible time and really not one I want to repeat, occasionally there are moments of a return, but I am so much more skilled at recognising when disconnection is happening. In our modern days it is so easy to become disconnected from ourselves, it is important to recognise the signs and create our own tool kit to return to ourselves. We are the same in so many ways but are also all so unique in others, and what works for me may not work for you.

Holding the Awareness of Disconnection

When feelings of disconnection persist it is known as depersonalisation disorder, with this most people will be aware that what they are experiencing isn’t reality and they have a sense that something is “just off”, Tartakovsky (2021). It is really important that you seek help and the support you need, can you talk to a friend, a family member or do you need to seek the support of a professional? Many people recover from depersonalisation disorders with help and support, the NHS in the UK recommends talking therapies or counselling. If you have suicidal feelings, it is incredibly important that you get the help you need, you can call the Samaritans 24 hours daily , your nearest Accident and Emergency Department or Call 111

The Reconnecting Years

The first part of my recovery was knowing that I needed to get some help, I was referred for CBT initially, but from a personal perspective it wasn’t right for me. I then entered psychotherapy sessions which I found really helpful. My first priority was to control the panic attacks, they were so debilitating. I then started yoga which was also helpful and played a big part in reducing my anxiety. As I started to feel stronger, I started to make appropriate life changes, life started to improve. I did make some big life changes, and if you are experiencing something similar, please know you don’t have to do any big shifts, it’s the little changes that are going to matter the most. I began to do things that I really loved to do, and not what I thought I should be doing. I had some how become lost and buried under what I thought was expected of me from a professional and societal perspective, the more aligned I became with my values, my own wants and needs, things started to open up and change for the better.

My disconnection was 19 years ago now, my connected years are very different to how life looked back then. I still shudder when I think back to that time, but this is how life looks like now connected,

• I still sometimes feel lonely in groups but I am committed to relationships that are right for me and match my values
• I know I belong,and understand the deeper reasons as to why I felt I didn’t belong
• Seek out work and I am involved in work that meets my multifaceted skill set
• I am connected to my creative side and know how important that is to me, I can not function without it
• My energy is so much higher and on the bad days, I know it is temporary and it will pass
• I spend time doing activities I love
• Some days are still confusing but it is okay as I know it will all work out fine
• Early recognition of the symptoms of disconnection and other patterns of behaviour that are just not helpful
• Eat more foods that are right for me
• Feel calm, relaxed and more focused on the present
• Work past a negative mindset much easily
• I get out doors as often as I can and I have even started to embrace the rainy dark days
• My self esteem, self worth and self confidence are much higher and I speak up when things are not right for me
• Hold gratitude for life and enjoy life
• Feel a deeper connection to nature

A Final Word of Support

If you recognise any symptoms of disconnection, please do not hesitate to get the support you need from a qualified professional If you would like me to write more on moving from disconnection to connection, would be interested in a holistic supportive workshop on the topic, whether on line or in person please send me an email on what you would like to see or be interested in

Next Event

Harmony: A Retreat for Autumn. Saturday 19th October 1000-1630, Price £134, Early Bird Offer available until 17th August, use Autumn20 at Checkout. Our venue is Nurture, 2nd Floor, 23-29 Sam Rd, Diggle, OL3 5PU. What is included, yoga session somatic practice, writing for wellness session, yin yoga and sound healing. Refreshments are available all day with a nourishing lunch provided on the day, For more information and booking please visit Harmony: A Retreat for Autumn